Naveen: One of the best parts of being on Substack is finding people who share your interests. For me, it has been television! I have come across so many different opinions that force me to think critically about the media I consume. Darby has been one of those people who has quickly become someone whose newsletter, It’s Cerulean, I thoroughly enjoy reading, and who is also amazing to engage with! Our shared love for The Pitt was no different.

Darby: Already a Substrack reader, I started my newsletter because some of my friends wanted my pop culture musings in one place. I never expected anybody else would read it, let alone that I would find new internet pals! It was actually one of Naveen’s (very correct!!!) notes about RHOLSC that crossed my feed and led me to his newsletter, where I saw: “welcome to the inner workings of my television-pilled mind”. Naturally, my raised-by-a-TV-millenial-Queer ears perked! Now a dedicated Previously On fan, it only made sense to bring our Pitt-pilled minds together.

So, what’s the logical next step for two people obsessed with a show? Write a silly little issue together! This collaboration is very “when two Substack newsletter writers come together to maximize their joint slay,” or whatever that meme says.

Remember that these are fictional characters! This is for fun. And really, who doesn’t need a little laugh after our inaugural 15-hour shift? I guess that’s yet to be determined. By us.

We are including the ER doctors, the med students who aren’t quite doctors yet, and the nurses because they are the unsung heroes who make the hospital run smoothly. 🫡 Our focus here is on the day shift doctors and nurses because we spent the most time with them. We included two honorable mentions at the end for the night shift doctors and nurses. We hope to see more of them next season!

We convened in a Google Doc to discuss our favorite physicians and decide who was the biggest Gossip Doc of all. After much delightful back and forth, we came to a consensus that would even make Gloria happy! Let’s see if you all agree.

*Spoilers ahead! Read at your own risk!*

Our Final Rankings:

16. Dr. Michael “Robby” Robinavitch

Darby: He knows all. But he is not going to share (unless your name is Heather Collins, then he might tell you a thing or two). A kiss on the forehead for him, though.

Naveen: You are totally right that the only person he will probably tell anything to is his one true love (who is indeed Heather Collins). Maybe he needs to gossip and let out some of that pent-up emotion. We did see him go to the park meetup after the shift ended, but he seems more like the type to take in what is happening as a bystander. I know he has some amazing stories and shit to say if he really wanted to! Instead, he will just walk home with his thoughts.

15. Dr. Frank Langdon

Darby: Listen, when we learned his name was “Frank,” I was taken aback. I don’t know what I expected, but FRANK? No disrespect to Franks, but does he look like a Frank??? I digress. I think he would not be much for gossip (unless you’re his bff Mel) because he doesn’t want you to get HIS secrets, you know? Yet something tells me if he mistook me for a man at a kids’ t-ball game, he’d start talking? He can’t come to the park shift, he has a wife and kids to win back!

Naveen: I wonder if it’s short for Franklin? Now I am imagining Franklin the Turtle. Suddenly, my mind is thinking about RuPaul because I always tell my friends that, out of drag, he looks like Franklin the Turtle. ANYWAY, back on topic. I feel like he definitely keeps his lips sealed. He has too much to lose. I do think he would take any opportunity to talk shit about Santos. Maybe he’s an opportunistic gossip who might text you about drama only he cares about. I agree with him being in one of the last spots because I don’t think I would want to gossip with him, especially not after he disrespected my Shayla, Dr. Robby! He is NOT invited to the park shift anyway!

14. Dr. Melissa “Mel” King

Naveen: I genuinely think she might be too kind (positive) to gossip. It feels like she sees the good in everyone. Maybe under the right circumstances, though, like while watching a movie. Her singing “Savage” to herself tells me she has an edge! She definitely has opinions, and I could see her being a wild card. I could see her coming to a park shift if Langdon were there.

Darby: Absolutely. Not to brag, but she would definitely sense the autism in me, and I think this gives me an edge in a world where I, a real person, interact with Mel, a fictional character, and she decides to gossip with me. I think her Sister Responsibilities would prevent her from really settling into her park shift and she’d maybe stop in to say goodbye (when she thought Langdon didn’t say goodbye????!?!) or finish a conversation from before, but she’s not going to spend a great deal of time gossiping in a group setting, y’know? Not to get too earnest again, but it’s been amazing to see an autistic-coded (we’ll see how this goes) character be compassionate, funny, soft, and strong. I’ve cried at a lot of Mel moments because they don’t infantilize her, and we rarely get to see autistic-coded or autistic characters that aren’t painted as being cold robots. And let me say this: that Megan Thee Stallion moment was perfection. That TikTok comedian-turned-red-carpet-interviewer (a phenomenon that needs to END) should take notes.

13. Dr. Heather Collins

Naveen: I would love her as a mentor, and I just know she would be an incredible friend, but she does not seem like someone who has time for gossip. That doesn’t mean she isn’t fun, but she doesn’t have any time to waste, and I respect that! I do think she would be someone who likes to banter, but not gossip. She could verbally spar with me any day! Someone has to be the adult in the room with boundaries! I hope she is well at home, taking her nap and not worrying about gossip! If she has a good shift, she might come to the park! Perhaps to hang out with Robby…

Darby: Totally! I missed her from those last few episodes, even though I was so happy she was at home. I would listen to her talk about anything, but I really don’t think she’s going to gossip! Maybe just with her family (OR ROBBY!). But otherwise….naur. And I mean that in the best way. I’m in love with her! She has the skills. She has the smarts. She has it all! I’d love to see her clock in at the park next season, even for five minutes.

12. Nurse Dana Evans

Darby: I worship her. I think she would gossip a little bit to another nurse? But like a seasoned nurse? Basically, the night shift charge nurse (more on this later). Otherwise, she’s too protective of everybody and too Business™, methinks. And we love her for it!!!! Plus, she needs to go HOME and ice that eye – she can’t be loitering in the park.

Naveen: She is a mother to many (some of whom she needs to give up for adoption…looking at you, Langdon). I think she is too overworked and busy to gossip. I also think she’s a straight shooter and wouldn’t need to because she would just call you an asshole to your face. It would be fun to try and get her to gossip after the shift is over if she ever returns…pour one out. I agree that she is at home icing her eye and drinking out of a clean mug. I feel like she used to rule the park, but the years of work have worn her out. She deserves to rest.

11. Dr. Cassie McKay

Darby: Now listen…it could be because of an upbringing that included a lot of overhearing adult conversations or even being seated with all the single moms while they were smoking and drinking and talking shit, but I think if you were her neighbour, or maybe working near her parole officer (the coffee shop next door or even admin in the building) she’d be updating you on her Work Drama. She’s not coming to the park, though, and not just because of her chic anklet.

Naveen: Something about her gives those “that friend who’s too woke” videos, which isn’t a bad thing, but she probably thinks gossiping is the killer of real community or some chronically online take. I, for one, think gossip builds community! I agree with you, though, she would probably give the barista her Work Tea before she ever talked to anyone else about it. Hell, she might be giving all of the hot gossip to her parole officer. But maybe not as she is probably HIPAA’s greatest ally (not a bad thing). She’s walking right past the park with Harrison in tow!

10. Nurse Jesse Van Horn

Darby: My partner and I call him “Hot Nurse Jesse”. He’s no Mateo, but he was an actual nurse! I don’t know if he’s showing up to the park, but I do think if you’re his inner circle or his favourite colleague, he will sit down and gossip with you.

Naveen: The one earring? Oh, the emergency room isn’t the only frontline he’s on. The Pitt isn’t the only place he’s reporting for duty! He is ready to gossip! I can see him subtly making judgments and taking mental notes for later. It’s all in good fun with him, though! I feel like he would invite you out for a bite to eat and a glass of wine. Very classy but very heavy on the shit-talking, just not at the park.

9. Dennis Whitaker

Naveen: You know Whitaker was talking shit with his farm animals back home. Especially after this shift from hell, I could see him turning into a chismoso at the flip of a switch. I think he is probably too kind to gossip, but those are sometimes the ones you have to watch out for the most. I can imagine him getting one beer deep and going in. Anyone who can catch and kill a rat like he did has a lot to say! I kind of need him and Santos to come together and give us the unexpected commentary we deserve. I think he would gossip with some coaxing, and he could get there at the park!

Darby: Oh, his goats know sooooo much!! Dennis is a man who looks so Welsh. I love this cast of mostly non-Americans! I think he would give me a little bit of gossip, mostly about how this one person at work (SANTOS) won’t stop calling him “huckleberry”. Although, you can’t look a gift room and board in the mouth! I wouldn’t count him out either. Let me summarize it this way: His Real Housewives tagline would be “I may look sweet like a huckleberry, but I know how to catch a rat”.

8. Victoria Javadi

Darby: My anxious genius baby. When Mateo invited her for drinks, I grabbed my partner’s arm like it was an M. Knight Shyamalan twist, and not a normal and natural thing to happen in this show that, despite what fan theories may think (I can’t even talk to y’all because….), follows logical conclusions. Anyway…I think she needed that laugh from Robby at the park. She’d definitely sit back and observe the more seasoned colleagues gossip while maybe adding a comment or two, but I think her confidence has grown so much already that next season she will have more and more to say.

Naveen: I feel like she would gossip to try and fit in, but then would somehow do it incorrectly. She would be the person to go too far, but not in a malicious way. It would be like when a queen on Drag Race does the Roast Challenge and they just call everyone old, fat, and ugly, but there is absolutely no punchline. (I will stop with the Drag Race references ❤️.) She’s just a child prodigy with a mother wound! She’s trying her best. I would try and gossip with her so she felt included, but you are right, she would exclusively talk about Matteo. We saw her at the park at the end of the episode, so she’s learning the ropes, just like Whitaker.

7. Nurse Perlah Alawi

Naveen: I am busting out the Duolingo app so that I can learn Tagalog. I need nothing more than to queen out with Perlah. However, I would do so respectfully. It feels like a rite of passage to be let into her shit-talking circle, so if she would let me in, I would be honored. However, I would still admire from afar and wish we could come together to stir the pot in the lounge when no one is listening. Perlah seems like she might be a bit more hesitant to let outsiders in. She does her fair share of gossiping at work, so she’s probably a once-a-month parkgoer when she feels like sharing with the class.

Darby: Excellent – we can practice together because I, too, need to queen out with her. She does not trust some of the shit these doctors say (and she’s right!!) and if you’re in her inner circle you know about it. But how to get to the inner circle…….I’m not sure? Perhaps simply by being competent and respectful! I don’t think she’s a regular at the park shift, but she’s not against it either. I would also be remiss if I didn’t say how amazing she was as the stand-in charge nurse. Protect her at all costs!!

6. Dr. Samira Mohan

Naveen: I saw how she crashed out in the finale. She herself said she is bad at socializing outside of work, but one bad day or a singular White Claw in her system, and she would probably spill ALL of the beans. Especially with how much she talks to her patients. You know she has the lowdown on so many things. She’s going to the park to let her hair down and decompress. She has to get that stress and gossip out somewhere!

Darby: Correct!! She would ABSOLUTELY start telling you everything and anything, and not necessarily thinking of it as gossip. My slow-mo-no-mo! If you get her chatting? Come on! As Nene Leakes would say, she has the gift of the gab (yes, I HAVE been watching RHOA for the first time! Naveen gets his Drag Race references and I get this, okay!!!).

5. Dr. Jack Abbott

Naveen: I feel like he is secretly messy! I can just tell from the way that he playfully spars with every other doctor that he can be a fun time. I feel like he would definitely gossip with me AFTER Dr. Robby left the park party. He has truly seen it all and his almost “weathered” demeanor really lends himself to being a storyteller, which is just a nice way of saying he has a lot of shit to share!

Darby: In the words of Hunter Harris, “I love a surly individual”. He definitely has a fun side, which we see even throughout the absolute chaos as he mumbles to Santos that her VERY RISKY move was bad-ass, and I agree that he will let it rip a bit more after Robby goes home. I have to say that every time I look at him I just see him in The Faculty (a crucial film in my personal Made Me Queer canon).

4. Nurse Princess Dela Cruz

Darby: Like Perlah, Princess is not necessarily letting it rip to everybody, but she definitely has her eyes on everybody. Not to lump them together, but that’s a TEAM. Princess deserved that beer, and I think she’s a constant at the park, whether she decides to gossip or not. Everybody wants more Princess time, and I think she is a universally trusted colleague.

Naveen: Right! Princess and Perlah are running the Gossip Factory like the Navy, and it’s the only military I want to be in! I feel like Princess is a little more loose-lipped and would give you some juicy bits, but Perlah would get mad at her for sharing outside of their inner circle. I wouldn’t want to get between them, but perhaps Princess could break the ice while we snack on a sandwich. In the words of Laurie from The White Lotus, I am just happy to be at the table (okay, cross promotion, but don’t actually waste your time watching season three). I agree that Princess goes to the park because she inevitably lives for all the drama.

3. Nurse Donnie Donahue

Darby: Level-headed and kind, but doesn’t suffer fools! I think if you were his family member he would keep you apprised of the goings-on and goofy shit his coworkers do but I don’t think he’s going to be telling anybody else? Maybe he’s the park drinks mediator???

Naveen: Wait, I don’t know. He was at the park debrief in the finale, AND he seemed to be in charge of the cooler. That seems like the behavior of someone who loves to talk smack over a cold, refreshing beverage. I do agree that he also goes home for round two and gives his family the rundown. I think he might actually live for the drama like Princess.

2. Nurse Mateo Diaz

Naveen: He has such a fun spirit. I just know he gossips with his mom and aunts. You know that they have their little drinking parties in the park for this very reason. He was ready to gossip with Victoria after their shift at the park! I feel like he would also know how to get into Princess and Perlah’s circle. He seems like a gentle giant, so he would never get too mean.

Darby: I completely agree!! Him extending the invite to Victoria (after their endearingly awkward moments) told us so much about him. He wants people to feel included, but can definitely chirp you out of love! And at the same time, as we saw with that racist piece of shit Doug Driscoll, Mateo is not easily rattled and will put you in your place when necessary.

1. Dr. Trinity Santos

Naveen: I don’t seem to hate her as much as everyone else. I feel like her personality is some type of TRAUMA response. Maybe she just needs friends! I think that’s why she would be the perfect to talk shit with. Hell, she practically gossips in real time out loud to everyone, so we know shame is not something she experiences regularly (except for when she dropped the scalpel on Dr. Garcia’s foot). She’s at the top of this list for the same reasons people seem not to like her. She has no boundaries! This could veer into dangerous territory, and we would probably have to remind her thirty times that we want fun gossip, not someone’s social security number. She’s definitely going to the park, and she’s dragging her new bestie Whitaker there.

Darby: First, can I just say that Isa Briones’s turn in Hadestown was excellent (not that I saw it live because I live in Canada and don’t have Broadway money). What a star. Second, “she practically gossips in real time out loud to everyone” is fucking hilarious. It’s true!! I think she would actually LOVE to spill some beans because we KNOW she cannot keep a goddamn secret. I’m not trusting her with details about my life! As far as the hateration goes, I do think the finale softened me towards her. Maybe I recognize my own trauma response in her (there I go being earnest), and that’s why it can be so frustrating? Assuming she’s in her mid-20s, I think she has time to shed some of the defensive outer shell. But I still take issue with how she treats people as experiments (NO YOU CANNOT DO AN UNNECESSARY PROCEDURE ON A DEAD PERSON). She watched that cadaver plot on Grey’s and learned the wrong lesson. But I digress.

Night Shift Honorable Mentions:

We are reserving this for one night shift doctor pick! It’s too early to truly know these characters, but we have picked up on their vibes a bit.

Dr. Parker Ellis

Naveen: We have only gotten to know her for three episodes, and it’s already a resounding “YES!!!” She seems to take absolutely no bullshit. She has already been able to wrangle Santos and her overcompensating overconfidence, which someone needed to do successfully. Perhaps, she is the actual mentor she needs. I feel like we would have an incredible gabbing session, but she would never go too far. It would be thirty minutes after work at the park or a local bar and nothing more. We love a professional who can have fun but respects boundaries! You can tell she has a playful, sarcastic side, which is essential to be a true gossip. She works the night shift, so I am not sure she is going to the park, but she is always invited!

Darby: First, I have to say that this cast makes the ‘hot’ doctors of Seattle Grace look like ghouls!! But yes, I agree. She is sharp and takes no shit. She has strong boundaries, and Santos could learn a lot from her. Ellis already seems to be such a good judge of character, and I know she would come to the park, spend those 30 mins sharing some excellent insights that shift the gossip on any number of subjects, then go home and rest peacefully after another long day being smart and gorgeous.

Nurse Lena

Darby: We have not seen much of her yet, but Nurse Lena is the red-headed, glasses-wearing nurse that came in during the last two episodes. It seems like she is the night-shift charge nurse? I don’t know if she would ‘gossip’ per se, but since she has the Dana stamp of approval, something tells me she is not one to play with! I don’t think she’s coming to the park, but I do think if you catch her at the right time (maybe trying to make another pot of coffee in the break room), she might divulge a detail or two! Anybody that can come into all that chaos and start helping people make sense of what’s going on, where to go, and what to do after the worst first shift possible…a real one.

Naveen: You are right! We don’t even know her last name…mysterious. When she made her little PSA to Mohan about saving lives, I was laughing because the dialogue was a little on the nose, but she delivered it like her rent was past due and the eviction people were about to knock down her door. I agree that she would gossip, but only in little tidbits. She would probably comment things like “Oh no, did I say that?” knowing full well that she said it. She might go to the park if Dana and the other nurses go, but she is also night shift… do they do the park during the day too? Probably not.

Wow, that was a whirlwind! There are truly a thousand silly ways you could rank these characters, but we wanted to have fun with it. We can’t wait to see where next season takes us and if we change our minds about who might gossip with us at the park!

Drop your own rankings and thoughts in the chat!

Until next season, XOXO Gossip Doc (which would probably be a better show than the GG reboot).